I so much want to do more and be more. To get out of my house more. To take my little boy out. To be able to leave the house without a second thought.
But. I can't. My gandmother can't be left home alone anymore. Her diabetes and her dementia have robbed her and us of that now. Its robbed us of, really, her.
And sometimes, when her attititude truly sucks & she's crazy and mean. And my son is going bonzo, locked up in the house. And I'm going bonzo locked up in the house- I've had Enough. And I resent it all. There are days when I've had enough of the blood sugars & the locked up medicine & the ugly attutude and words that come out of my grandmothers mouth. Of the harsh relationship between my mother and my grandmother. Of having the trade off baby sitting shifts over an 85 year old woman.
And there are days that it takes about all we have the make it to bedtime.
But, that can be enough. Just to make it. Just to know that we survived another day. And tomorrow will be better. And my son is now at the age where he'll remember the fun times with his great-grandmother. When there's laughter at the back yard pool- and my mother, grandmother & I are watching my son show off his new swimming skills. And ... that can make it enough.
I think maybe, when you can find the joy (no matter where it is, how small a sliver) it becomes enough.