Monday, April 03, 2006

Deep Down Low

Have you ever sunk low? I mean, a deep down low that you can feel all the way down to your toes. When everything in you: every atom in your body, every thought in your mind, and every beat of your heart seems to sob without care of anything else?

Have you ever been so heartsick that your spirit feels nauseous? Have you ever felt that, though you wanted to help, that you have injured one that you care for? And have you ever felt the numbing certainty of that person pull away from you?

Have you ever felt that you're just lost in the wild? That there's no more path for you to take... that your lot in life is to be stranded in the forest of uncertainty and fear? That you have no purpose...

Today is one of those days... one of those deep, down low days when all I feel is fear and anguish. When nothing makes sense and everyone I love seems so far away. When I feel so alone and unprotected. When it feels as if I'll never feel safe again. That I have no path. When nothing I do seems to be good enough... and will never be. When I feel so helpless and hopeless.

Today was one of those days when I just want to cry in someone's arms all night long. When I want someone to tell me that it's okay and that, no matter what, I am loved... That I will never be left alone. That I am lovely and special. It's the kind of day when all my insecurities come out to play... because I feel none of those things.

Someone to tell me that, as with the ebbing of the tide, this will not last forever.

I know that it will pass... that those feelings will float away in the current of my mind. But... for today... passionate people feel things deeply. And I've never claimed to be a calm, blue sea. I have always been a storm. I am passionate and I am dramatic. And whatever I feel, I feel with all that I am. I cannot live halfway...

But, as the song says, a deep down low makes level feel so high.

5 comments :

Michael said...

Welcome to the origins of The Swamp, for I was feeling this way to some extent when I came up with the name. But never fear, for you are loved by many, and the love of many...Most of all God, will make the sun come out again.

Jenny said...

Thank you so much for that. For the honesty and the reality of it. It reminds me that I am not the only one who feels so deeply and maybe my words are trite but I know exactly how you feel because I was feeling it on the very same day. And it was fate that you were the next blog after mine, because something greater than myself needed me to read what you had written. Sorry to be so...so girlie. Thanks again.

Wendy said...

I'm so sorry that you are in a valley right now, hon. Those are never fun, but be comforted. Your faithful Shepherd is right there with you, carrying you in His everlasting arms, and He will never leave you nor forsake you. Nothing can separate you from His love and He alone is your sheild, your strength, your strong tower in whom you can always take refuge. Run to Him and He will always protect you and comfort beneath the shelter of His wings. You are special! You are His masterpiece! Psalm 139. God loves us and so do I. Never forget that!

Miss Knotty said...

You've been tagged. :)
Regina

Miss Knotty said...

I'm sorry you're in a tough place. Just remember that we love you, and I hope you navigate your way through the doldrums to the other side. He won't forsake you. Remember Luke 18:1 - remember to pray and never grow faint. Our Heavenly Father is unendingly faithful and He will not forsake you. :)