Sometimes, I'm not really sure what to write. My mind is just a complete and total blank. Part of that, I think, is just basic writers block. It happens. But another part. A huge part is, for me, when life starts to get crowded & busy and messy... it starts to take up more and more space in my brain. And it pushes out anything BUT that.
The Husband and Me.
We're both in our 30's now... and we both had the time to cement various aspects of our personalities- some for better & some for worse. And, it's painful to take a chisel to those parts of our souls. To knock them away & form something new. We're both changing and it's good.
It's just messy.
Life is so darn messy. And, I think, even great blessings come with a mess. My husband and my son are great blessings to me and for me. And they come with messes. I hope I'm a blessing to both of them... cause I know I come with great messes.
And, sometimes, I wonder what God could possibly do with 3 messy people.
A mess of a person like me.
I'm prone to deflating & letting others rule my emotions. I don't always think before I act (or speak.) When I'm angry, I rage. And I say horrible things to hurt the person I'm angry with. I have a smart mouth. I struggle with insecurities that run deep. I can be clingy & needy but then, ice cold. I don't tell a person what I should say to them... and I get angry & become passive aggressive. I can be so lazy.
Sometimes I despair that God could ever do something or make something with a mess like me.
But I know He has. He's taken big huge messes & made beautiful creations out of them. I read the Bible and see this truth played out time and time again.
Big, huge, messy, fallen, sinful, broken, defeated, why-don't-you-just-give-up-on-them people.
And there was hope for them. There was Grace. God took them and made new creations out of them- sometimes they went willingly.. other times, they were kicking and screaming all the way. And, it's the same for me (for us). He is constantly chipping away at the dirty. At the ugly. And remaking something beautiful. And, it hurts. It's messy. And, in the midst of it, it's hard to see the beauty in any of it.
But. It's there. It's that part of God that forms us into a closer reflection of Him.
And, that's what I'm dwelling on today.